Managing Expectations in Relationships

“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?” - Brene Brown

The state of our relationships has the power to affect our overall sense of well being, but only if we allow it to…

Have you ever imagined a life where the behavior of others has no impact on your emotional state? This is not to say you choose to completely disconnect from the important people in your life or ignore those you come into contact with out and about in the world. Rather, taking a step to harness the power of reframing your expectations and looking closer at how you manage your reactions. In other words, control what you can control and let the rest go. Sounds easy enough, right? Why then, in reality, is this so hard to do?

Often, it is a blockage or samskara (mental impressions, recollections, or psychological imprints) coming up for us that we are reacting to, not the actual situation or person in front of us. Learning to notice what feelings come up mentally and physically when we are faced with a challenging situation in our relationships, will help you tap into what issue(s) from your past needs to be processed and let go of. The more you can focus on doing this work of processing and letting go, as opposed to spending your energy feeling frustrated, annoyed, angry, and whole host of other emotions, about what someone else said or did, will help you release old stored feelings of hurt, pain, and disappointment. By focusing on working on yourself, controlling only what you can control, you will find that you are less and less reactive to the words and actions of others.

I like to think of the relationships in my life fitting into 6 Buckets -

Bucket 1 - Ideal Relationships (maybe a little bump here or there, but overall a supportive, positive relationship).

Bucket 2 - Toxic Relationships (a relationship you know you need to let go of ASAP…maybe you’re not quite ready yet, but you’re sure that is what needs to happen).

Bucket 3 - Challenging Relationships (a relationship you choose to keep, or perhaps an obligatory relationship such as a family member, but is one that could use some strategies in terms of managing difficulties that arise on a regular basis).

Bucket 4 - Past Relationships (a relationship from your past that would fit into Bucket 1, but you’ve lost touch and would like to reconnect).

Bucket 5 - New Relationships (a relationship you don’t currently have, but are seeking to bring into your life, ex. - new friend, romantic relationship, mentor, child).

Bucket 6 - Self Relationship (This is the most important bucket!!!).

I encourage you to take a little time today to examine the state of the relationships in your life and how they might fit into these buckets.

In my Relationship Reset Workshop (Palma Colectiva, Santa Barbara, CA, June 6th, 2023, 6-8pm), I will take you on a deeper dive into the buckets described above. I will provide you with tools and techniques to better manage the relationships in Bucket 3 and will help guide you to more deeply connect with the most important bucket, Bucket 6, the relationship you have with yourself.

Eager to learn more? I highly recommend Byron Katie’s The Work! Her simple techniques and questions provide powerful tools to reframe how we feel about our relationships. Also, The Conscious Leadership Group has wonderful resources for better managing relationships both in the workplace and in your personal life.

”Happiness is the natural state for someone who knows that there’s nothing to know and that we already have everything we need, right here now.” - Byron Katie